Four Questions to Help You Prepare for Setting Achievable Goals

This first step is a non-negotiable.

There’s something that comes before setting goals, and it’s a non-negotiable.

You’ve probably set goals before, and “failed” - but you’re not a failure.

Setting goals can feel tokenistic, or futile. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You can’t set goals without first knowing what’s in your heart.

In this post, I have four questions that have helped me get clear on what I want and what moves to make next, and I know they’ll help you too.

But wait! I want you to know this too - you can set goals at any time. It doesn’t have to be new years, it doesn’t have to be mid-year. Or the start of the month. You can take out a pen and paper right now and write down the answers to these questions, and it’ll bring you real clarity on what goals to set.

And then you’re more likely to achieve them, because they’ll feel aligned to your dreams.

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Here are your four questions to help you go through a process of reflection and dreaming, so you can plant the seed for meaningful goals.

Where in My Life am I Doing Things Because I Think I SHOULD?

This question is about the word SHOULD, and I want you to consider where in your life you have obligations. Where are these obligations coming from?

Write a list of the things you’re doing in a given week that are or feel like an obligation. And have a closer look at the list.

Are they really things that need to be done by YOU?

Are they absolutely non-negotiables, or is there some wiggle room here in getting help or doing things in a different way?

Is the obligation something that is coming from someone else, and do you really have to follow it?

Is the obligation something that you are putting pressure on yourself to do, and is this necessary?

Make sure that you’re doing these things intentionally, and not because of a general feeling that it’s something you ‘should’ be doing.

Now, there is a flip side to this. A lot of things we think of as obligations might be able to be done differently, so you can be doing more of what you enjoy, HOWEVER, there is another way to get around this. Different cultures look at obligations differently, and one way to doing more of what you enjoy is to reframe the meaning behind what you are doing. Rather than seeing obligations as inconvenient, or as a chore, or as something to feel resentful about, try reframing the reason why you are doing the obligation. If your reason for doing these tasks align with your values, or it’s rewarding in some way, then you can start to see and believe these tasks to be more fulfilling and enjoyable.

There is of course a lot of documentation around this idea of cultural differences in obligation, and there is one study by Buchtel and colleagues in 2018¹ that compared Western European heritage culture with Confucian heritage culture, and looked at the differences in agency and obligation. In this article, the researchers discuss that we’re not always free to choose a lot of our obligations, and so seeing them as things you want to be doing make the activities more greatly associated with positive emotions rather than negative ones.

So in other words, finding a reason like because it helps the collective group, or because you want to contribute to society, or because it is good or moral behaviour.

So I think the takeaway here is to be clear with yourself about the reasons why you are doing something, and not just be doing something because it’s automatic, or a habit, or because of a general sense of obligation that isn’t really coming from anywhere.

What Can I Acknowledge or Recognise Inside Myself That I am Proud Of?

So often we are taking care of others, and looking towards the future about what’s next, and downplaying our contribution, and moving onto the next task, that we forget to stop and recognise our good efforts.

And rather than just focusing on the tasks you have done or achieved, what qualities in yourself can you highlight and really pat yourself on the back for?

We don’t actually have control of the outcomes of our actions, and while we can try really hard at something, sometimes it just doesn’t work out, and so if you are feeling disappointment about something, or feeling worried about the direction that something is headed, try to bring the focus back to the qualities that you have that you are proud of.

Maybe you made decisions in line with your integrity. Maybe you were really creative in thinking of new ideas or strategies. Maybe you stayed really kind in the face of a challenge.

Take a moment to recognise those things inside yourself, and really have it soak in, and this will help to build resilience, because these are tools that you can draw on in times of stress.

What is it That Brings Me True Fulfillment?

I’ve actually been reading some research on happiness, and one of the key takeaways has been that we as humans are not always striving for happiness, nor should we.

Happiness is just one of the many many emotions in our emotional rainbow, and it would be impossible to keep increasing the time we spend being happy. The focus in the positive psychology literature tends to be more on general wellbeing, and being content. When we stop to think about fulfillment and wellbeing, we are actually talking about fulfillment of our needs. When our needs are fulfilled, then we improve our general wellbeing.

So, what are your needs?

All humans have the same needs, but different people prioritise different needs, so it’s important to stop and ask yourself in this season, what need could be more filled? What can I do to fill that need and bring more fulfillment?

I have a list of 12 human needs here, which comes from a unified model of human needs by Pincus in 2023². They are listed in opposite pairs, with the two ends of the spectrum represented. Here they are:

Fulflling Potential vs Limitation

Authenticity vs Conformity

Safety vs Anxiety

Success vs Failure

Immersion vs Stagnation

Autonomy vs Disempowerment

Recognition vs Indifference

Caring vs Uncaring

Inclusion vs Exclusion

Higher Purpose vs Materialism

Ethics vs Wrongdoing

Justice vs Injustice

So have a think about this list and what might be important ones for you.

One thing to note here, is that if you are having trouble for some reason with being able to do something in particular that you really love (for example, you didn’t get the job you wanted, or you are looking for a life partner and haven’t found them yet), then think about what need that is fulfilling, and see if you can fulfill that need in a different way for the time being, and then still make a goal for that thing that is more important to you.

What Would I Do If I Knew I Would Fail?

Now this is different to the more common question of “what would you do if you knew you could not fail,” and it’s something that I heard from the writer Elizabeth Gilbert in her book Big Magic. She talks about failure as inevitable, and accepting that there will be low points and disappointments and failures no matter what path you choose - so, knowing that, what are you still going to say yes to, even if you know you will fail?

For me, this is about knowing that there is no destination, it’s all about the journey, everything you choose to do in life is about the daily journey, not some unknown outcome or measure of success. So what is it that you want to spend your time doing?

Let’s Recap

Where in my life am I doing things because I think I SHOULD?

What can I acknowledge or recognise inside myself that I am proud of?

What is it that brings me true fulfillment?

What would I do if I knew I would fail?

Write down anything that comes up for you, so you can get it out of your mind and process the information.

Remember, this is your preparation for goal setting, to get your creative juices flowing. I want you to mull these questions over, because next week I’m posting more about setting goals, as part of a three-part goal-setting series for you! Don’t forget to subscribe to get the latest posts.

Remember my favourite quote, it’s by Mary Oliver, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” See you next time!

1. Buchtel, E. E., Ng, L. C., Norenzayan, A., Heine, S. J., Biesanz, J. C., Chen, S. X., Bond, M. H., Peng, Q., & Su, Y. (2018). A sense of obligation: Cultural differences in the experience of obligation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 44(11), 1545-1566.

2. Pincus, J. D. (2023). Well-being as need fulfillment: implications for theory, methods, and practice. Integrative Psychological and Behavioral Science, 1-39.